Post-graduation depression cannot but be a crucial part of every night. A huge ghost is chasing me. Out of breath, I am running and truly taste the salty drops of sweat as they run down my face. I turn my head around! As the eerie silence is clinging to me like a cloak, I want to scream my lungs out, but I would hear no echo! In an attempt to save my life, I keep running until I reach a large primeval gate whose locks have been eroded but which is still as strong as a long-standing building! Truth be told, I know the worst is coming. I bow, putting my hands on my knees, trying to take a deep breath. Moments later, I raise my head up to look my fear straight in the eye, and it is a moment I wish I would die. All of a sudden, the ghost shatters into countless pieces, and then the gate opens!
My alarm goes off just as the dawn call is rising on the minarets and simultaneously, hope is rising in my heart. I open my eyes taking some moments to realize what in the world was happening. My heart is still insanely racing and my face is wet! Like a baby clings to his mom, I stare at my room's ceiling and barely can see through the darkness. Having realized I am still alive, I try to bring all kinds of things buried deep in my heart asking myself: was that a nightmare? Or "Roaya?" (a dream which is considered a divine sign). I adjust my posture, bury my face in my hands and cry; I literally cried my eyes out. As a matter of fact, I couldn't feel the time was passing until I heard the "Eqama call" (the second call of prayer). In a moment of dear isolation, I am sitting on my praying carpet, recalling the "super-duper" events that took place in the last week.
It was early morning on March 25, 2022, In two hours I will be a fresh graduate as I should be doing the final exam in my bachelor's degree. Normally on such a day, students must feel jovial, for the reason of not being exposed to exams stress anymore, or not even being a "morning person" for an adequate period to take a rest and have a nice holiday. But for me, I genuinely was doing my best ignoring that nagging voice in my head; telling me "You have NO bright future!" Imagine yourself working in full swing (having exams) for more than ten days, how would you do without being physically and psychologically exhausted? I was dead tired so that you could have knocked me down with a feather! And that nagging voice in my head made the situation much worse! However, I could pull myself together and in half an hour I was all dressed up and left my house heading to the university with a mixture of effervescent feelings of fear, stress, sadness, and happiness all combined.
At the end of the same day, the sun was about to give its fiery daily kiss to the sea when we (me and my university classmates) decided to say "GOODBYE" to each other. We knew this phrase would officially announce the end of our university experience together! We had shared so many years together and now we would not see each other as much. It seemed to us like we were saying our last goodbyes. This made our eyes watery! The night came and I am in my room, trying to get some rest after a stressful day. I laid down on my bed, turned my phone off and started thinking about what would be after today. A flood of questions floods my mind: is that all? Am I now my own mentor? Am I now a responsible person? What lies behind the curtain? All of these questions cannot but drive me to the point of tears. But "WHOA WHOA!" My inner unconscious voice stopped me, so I hold my tears back and start carefully listening to it. "Go easy on yourself, Nour! Stop flogging your mind and heart. It is the first day after graduation; the depression throes are yet to start!" To be honest, I am a very stubborn person even to my inner voice. Hence, the idea of convincing me to fall asleep was not like taking candy from a baby. In contrast, it took me two hours after this monologue to regain my strength and get an adequate quantity of sleep.
The next day, Friday, May 26, 2022. I was preparing myself to go out to the beach (my comfort zone, and the only place I usually go to when I am down) when I received a phone call: "Hi! Is this Nour? You got accepted! We are looking forward to seeing you tomorrow! Best of luck! " I was so surprised that I actually got the job! Recalling that day when I dwelled deep in my depression. Ten days left and exams were just around the corner. For the fact of realizing that after those ten days pass, I knew the ghost of depression would mercilessly bite my head off. Therefore, I decided not to wait until this moment, and like a bee, I worked, searching for any vacancies to be filled. Subsequently, I could find one and immediately went to the place, interviewed with the manager there, and sufficiently marketed myself and my skills as well. I could have felt the job admission during the interview, but I had to wait at least a week to get a reply.
I can't be more honest; after receiving this call, I was on cloud nine! Knowing I could just do it, this made me feel really proud. In addition to this, I thought this would be a golden chance to get a year of experience, which is required for my master's degree scholarship, and to engage myself in something beneficial. But it seemed that my dream shattered when it came to reality. I thought that taking a job would help get me out of my depression, but rather it made it worse. After three days of being engaged at work, I quit! "I really am sorry Mr. X, but I got my application accepted for X company, which is really well-paid and, unfortunately, I just will not be able to coordinate between the two jobs." That was the only excuse I could make, which was totally spurious. The truth was that it was much more difficult shifting from school to work than I thought it would be. Maybe, I must have given myself enough time to rest before shifting from one environment to another! For many people, this may be a futile excuse. But for me, it was worthy. As long as quitting could be more comforting than remaining -which made me feel as if I was holding a mountain on my chest, making the original process of breathing like asking for the moon- I would have chosen it without thinking twice. I quit and directly went out to my home.
Now, welcome to my dark corner, welcome to my room! I lay down on my bed staring at my room's ceiling, asking myself: "Do I feel much better now? I left my new job so that I can have rest until I feel ready to leap to the second step! But why cannot I feel that peace of mind? Why does that nagging voice keep giving me a splitting headache?" I knew this was just the tip of the iceberg, and the worst was yet to come, but living in "Gaza" makes it even worse. Truth be told, I KNOW I am not standing in the ring alone. But as someone with very high expectations of myself, I was having a difficult time living up to my potential. Perhaps another person in my position wouldn’t feel this way, but I put a lot of pressure on myself to succeed. Now and then millions of graduates around the world have or will even be having depression after being graduated, yet the kind of post-graduation depression a Palestinian -especially one who lives in Gaza- must be totally on another level. And the fact of the existence of Israeli occupation and siege makes it even worse! To wit, it is very difficult for a recent graduate in Gaza to know that their life options are greatly limited by the Israeli occupation and siege. It is not easy for Palestinian to leave Gaza even if they have a scholarship or job waiting for them in the West Bank or another country. "So, Nour! You were stupid to miss that boat, and you may hardly be able to get another opportunity. You have NO bright future!"
My inner heart voice intervenes to break the nihilistic mood: "This nonsense is going to stop right now. You will not go down that rabbit hole again! You have been around, and you have been through fire and always found your way. Stand up and dust yourself off." This time I couldn't be stubborn enough, because I was really dead tired, and I had no power to even fight. So I listened to my heart's voice. So I could feel the fresh frost of the dawn smoothly filling my lungs, and the first rays of sunlight sneaking from my room's window, brightening my eyes. I realized now what a long journey of flashbacks and self-flagellation it was, and how much an ambition tax would cost! I stood up, had my breakfast, got dressed up, and immediately went ahead to resume my training sessions at the "Rights for Youths Institute." I believe with great confidence that my efforts are going to pay off one day, and I will be in the place I have always wanted to be in. However, I know I will shed more tears before I am there and it is vital to make a few detours on the way to my forever.
