Can one leave everything behind overnight? To leave for the unknown, new life, new everything? In 2008, my brother, Raje, decided that he could not tolerate living in a place that has never afforded him the basic life necessities due to the difficult circumstances. At this point, he made a plan to immigrate to Europe, given the fact that settling there deprives one of any future potential of getting back to Gaza or even visiting their families due to political and security concerns. Thus, it's literally leaving everything behind. Gaza was not a good place where Raje could prosper and achieve his dreams. Yes, I agree that he, to some extent, was irresponsible and careless; yet at that point, I felt the burn in him for an independent, good life.
I woke up to Raje getting ready in the bathroom, putting his favourite perfume on, and brushing his long black hair. I did not know that I was seeing him goodbye and would never see him again! I looked at him with that innocent, scared look in my eyes. The T.V. was broadcasting the news of the day: “Destruction of Rafah border, and thousands of Gazans are fleeing”.
“Why are you getting ready this early?” my mom asked him in worry. He smiled and said, “I’m leaving, immigrating.” That morning we thought Raje was joking, and never expected that we would never see him again. A few hours later he left. He disappeared for days. We didn't hear anything about him, or from him.
After losing connection with Raje, and panicking for several days, he finally called to reassure us that he managed to arrive in Egypt. My relationship with Raje was like a father and a daughter. It wasn't easy not to say goodbye to the one who always took care of me. One of my core memories of him was when he used to stay out late and I would fall asleep in his bed waiting for him to come home. I loved the feeling of reassurance I felt whenever he arrived.
After Raje left, I repeatedly experienced the feeling of alienation in different aspects of my life. I always missed him. In 2012, my second brother Oday left for the same reasons that forced Raje to leave as since then the circumstances of the Gaza Strip didn't get any better.
Over the years, I experienced this feeling of alienation with not just my family, but also with a lot of my close friends. Even though I thought I coped with the repetitive abandonment with emotional numbness, I could not shake off the feeling of severe sadness I get whenever one of my loved ones decides to leave. I’m sure that each one of us has somehow experienced a similar feeling of abandonment. However, this type is really tough since it always comes with no preamble, they just leave forever.
Gaza never ceases to further let its people down in different ways due to the tough circumstances imposed on it. Living in this open-air prison makes everyday tasks look challenging and of considerable difficulty. Therefore, I hope that all Gaza people who have been suffering from such an experience will have the chance to meet their loved ones soon. I'm truly hopeful that one day I will meet Raje and Oday and I'm positive that they will get to read this to see how much I miss a hug from them.
