I have always adored the blue sky dappled by the clouds, the golden rays of light filtering through green leaves, and the golden petals stretching outwards into the rich blue. I have always walked in the streets as if the path ahead is alive with the giggling of children, the nearby footsteps and the smell of the fresh air. Aspiration comes with only my naked eye and my brain open to the beauty of this reality. Yet the worth of those little things that used to bring me joy started to fade away as depression quietly creeped upon me.
Neck-deep I was when I realized something was wrong. All of my emotions got swallowed up leaving me with a void, a crater of emptiness. I tried hard to fill this hole in my chest with my training as a lawyer, my usual habits, with my family and my friends. However, all of my efforts were in vain. I was a sink that could never be filled because the plug was nowhere to be found.
I tried to fight this unwinnable war inside my head, where thoughts kept telling me that I am just a burden to everyone, like people can barely tolerate the fact that I am using up oxygen. I struggled to fight thoughts that life is meaningless and is not worth living anymore. Although I tried to convince myself that it is just another bad day and this consuming heaviness will eventually fade away, it did not. To my family and friends, I seemed perfectly content, but behind a beautifully painted facade laid a tortured soul desperate for a way out.
My life is the most bewildering of plays. Even at days when the pain was unbearable, I still got up. I put on my perfectly ironed clothes and my alluring hand-made accessories. I put on this fake smile I have practiced for ages. Once I am ready, I walked out the door to put on my best performance. The urge to be the best at everything controlled me. I needed to be the best daughter, the best sister, the best friend you could ever ask for and the best trainee. I thought maybe, just maybe that way overwhelming feeling of worthlessness would be gone. Well, unfortunately, it was not.
As days passed by, I started to forget my lines and the pain trickled through the cracks and colors around me seemed dull. The simplest tasks like brushing my hair or taking a shower seemed to be insurmountable. Although reading books is my favorite thing to do, I could barely read a page. Talking to people reminded me of how lonely I was. I was physically present when around my family and friends but emotionally disconnected. The world seemed to be going on without me on board.
I had pushed myself so far into a corner that impending doom lurked imminent. At that point, even strangers in the streets started to notice how bad I was hurting, just from the look on my face. Ultimately, I hit rock bottom when even breathing felt like torture. So I stopped going to my training, locked myself in my room and shut people out. I could not eat, I could not sleep, and extreme fatigue took over me. I was caught in this vicious cycle and all that I had left were hot tears streaming down my face burning my cheeks.
Suicide made an appearance in my daydreaming. I even invented ways to kill myself while doing normal daily activities. I stared at death in every corner and in every single equipment I used. Why would I keep trying if nothing makes me happy anyway? My tears were enough to drown in and I did not really have the energy to swim back. I finally realized that I can’t keep going this way, and two things can happen, I either decide to get help, or I might attempt suicide.
“Hello, is this Gaza Community Mental Health Center?”
“Yes, how can I help you?” Her voice was warm.
“I do not want to kill myself, I just want the pain to stop. Can you promise me to make it stop?" things changed ever since.
Shadows of Despair: A Journey Towards Healing and Hope
